1 00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:22,581 Hello, everybody. 2 00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:23,682 Hi, sim. Ooh. 3 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,884 Hello. Simka! 4 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,819 You changed your makeup, huh? 5 00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:30,688 Oh, thanks for noticing, Elaine. 6 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,891 I got a new career. 7 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:34,493 As a mime? 8 00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:38,864 No, Louie, I'm selling door-to-door cosmetics. 9 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:42,233 And your sample case blew up in your face? 10 00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:44,335 Please, Louie! 11 00:01:44,404 --> 00:01:45,937 This is girl talk. 12 00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:47,839 Elaine... oh... 13 00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:50,943 I'm now selling shishka flook cosmetics. 14 00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:53,845 They're made in my homeland, and I bought the franchise 15 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:58,416 to 18 states including the entire eastern seaboard. 16 00:01:58,485 --> 00:01:59,885 How could you afford that? 17 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,487 It cost six dollars. 18 00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:05,923 You want to see the catalog, Elaine? 19 00:02:05,992 --> 00:02:07,593 Okay, sure. 20 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,861 Okay, good, now come on and hurry up and buy something, 21 00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:12,497 because I got a lot of territory to cover. 22 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,232 Okay. 23 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:15,433 Um... 24 00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:17,769 Okay, yeah, let me have some of this perfume. 25 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,137 Oh, all right. 26 00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:22,107 Now, would you like a whole jar or a half a jar? 27 00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:23,542 Half a jar. 28 00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,109 Oh, that's a shame. 29 00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:27,779 With the whole jar, we throw in a free gift. 30 00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,214 Oh, what's that? 31 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,082 The lid. 32 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,318 A whole jar. 33 00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:34,486 All right. Good girl. 34 00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:35,853 Here. 35 00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:37,189 How would you like to be paid? 36 00:02:37,257 --> 00:02:40,492 Oh, very much. 37 00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:41,659 Okay. 38 00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:44,796 Simka, uh, when can I expect my delivery? 39 00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:46,298 Uh, eventually. 40 00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:47,699 Bye, all. 41 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,367 Bye. Good-bye. Bye. 42 00:02:57,144 --> 00:03:00,044 Congratulate me, folks. 43 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:06,117 I bought something my brother says 44 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:10,121 I've been needing for a long time. 45 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,157 A brain? 46 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,326 No, boss. 47 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,727 I don't need a brain. 48 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:24,269 I bought something my brother, Tom, 49 00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:27,472 says is a good investment 50 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,640 for my inheritance money. 51 00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,377 All right, Jim, what is it? 52 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,012 A rare coin. 53 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,213 Oh. 54 00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:41,853 A 1916 standing Liberty quarter 55 00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:44,189 worth $5,000. 56 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:45,590 Ooh, nice, nice. 57 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,192 Man. Want to see it? 58 00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,359 Yeah. Yes. 59 00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:10,616 Well, I guess i'd better savor this. 60 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,721 Oh, no, Jim, you bought a cup of coffee 61 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,656 with a $5,000 coin? 62 00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:22,260 Yeah. No cream, no sugar. 63 00:04:22,329 --> 00:04:23,528 Hey, listen. 64 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,997 We got to get your quarter back. 65 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,631 Yeah, uh... 66 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:27,999 Yeah, if only that were possible. 67 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,934 Yeah, well, Louie has the key. 68 00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,769 But I already had half the cup. 69 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:33,538 Oh, Jim! 70 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,845 I did it. 71 00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:41,913 I made a great investment. 72 00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:44,549 No kidding, Jim? Hey, come here, sit down. 73 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,452 Something I can enjoy 74 00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:49,187 while it goes up in value... 75 00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:51,189 According to my brother. 76 00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:52,424 Art? 77 00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:54,526 No. Tom. 78 00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:59,964 Hold on to your seats. 79 00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:03,067 I bought Mario's. 80 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,802 Signed the papers this morning, 81 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:07,038 and I've been running the place ever since. 82 00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:09,040 There you go, boss. 83 00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,978 Hey, Jim, uh, why Mario's? 84 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:17,215 You wouldn't believe what they were asking for Disney world. 85 00:05:19,352 --> 00:05:21,853 Jim, Mario's has been on the skids for years. 86 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,656 I mean, mortuaries do better return business. 87 00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:27,959 Well, we have breakfast here every morning. 88 00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,028 We come here every night. 89 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:33,131 Why do we come here if it's not a great place? 90 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,766 It's next door to the garage. 91 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:39,104 So is the dry cleaners and we never eat there. 92 00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,505 Hey, boss, I forgot to tell you, 93 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,218 the guy dropped off the plans that you asked for. 94 00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,075 Oh, great. 95 00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:48,513 Wait till you guys see this. 96 00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:53,084 It's my vision of the new Mario's. 97 00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:58,156 There's gonna be lots of volcanic rock. 98 00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:02,460 Red lights and waterfalls all over the place. 99 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,228 Right in the middle here, 100 00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:07,032 there's gonna be a little pond 101 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:10,435 where a woman will play the harp 102 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:13,237 on a swan shaped boat. 103 00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:22,613 Let's see that. 104 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:28,953 Yeah, it is a little busy. 105 00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:31,523 Okay, so I made a false start. 106 00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:35,026 I'm still going to make Mario's great. 107 00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,795 Let's have a brainstorm. 108 00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:38,997 Tony? 109 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,432 Um, I don't know. 110 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,634 The best bars I've ever been in had free peanuts. 111 00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:45,837 Oh, you should have a really good house wine. 112 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,906 Good wine and free peanuts. 113 00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:51,209 Takes me back to the good ol' days 114 00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:54,545 when I used to sleep at the zoo. 115 00:06:57,717 --> 00:07:00,017 Do you have any suggestions, Alex? 116 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,986 Yeah, I think you should have, um, 117 00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:05,122 a lady playing the harp on a swan-shaped boat, you know? 118 00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:06,892 Oh, yeah? No, no, no, no. 119 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:10,428 I... I think instead you should have a piano. 120 00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:12,997 Wouldn't the boat sink? 121 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,266 No, no, Jim, I mean... 122 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,367 I mean, in a corner some place. 123 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,569 Well, maybe we could put it over there 124 00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:20,538 by my brother, Tom. 125 00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:25,844 Tom! 126 00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:28,046 What are you doing here? 127 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:31,516 I came to have a look at your so-called investment. 128 00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:32,918 Oh, that's great. 129 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:36,354 I was just talking about what I should do to the place. 130 00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:38,757 I think it should be burned to the ground, 131 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,858 the wreckage bulldozed, 132 00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:43,161 the ashes scattered and the earth salted 133 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:46,264 so that nothing will ever grow on this spot again. 134 00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:52,036 Well, I think I'd like to try free peanuts first. 135 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,942 Come on, I'd like to introduce you to my friends. 136 00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,155 Here, straighten your tie, huh? 137 00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,245 Get your hands off. 138 00:08:03,583 --> 00:08:05,750 Tom, this is Tony. 139 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:06,819 Hey, Tom. How are you? 140 00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:07,953 How you doing? 141 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,053 And Elaine. 142 00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:10,321 Hello. Hi. 143 00:08:10,389 --> 00:08:11,489 And Alex. 144 00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:12,924 Yeah, I think we've met. 145 00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,258 Yes. 146 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,328 I take it you think Jim made a mistake, huh? 147 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,364 No, I think I made a mistake. 148 00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:22,300 Well, you said you wanted responsibility. 149 00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,936 I said, "if you'd like to make an investment, go ahead." 150 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,805 I'll let you make an investment." 151 00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:29,240 And look at what you bought. 152 00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:33,778 No, no, Tom. Don't rain on my parade. 153 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,814 Let's have a toast. 154 00:08:35,882 --> 00:08:38,316 Yeah. Yeah, let's have one. 155 00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:39,851 Jim, you've squandered your money 156 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,119 on the sleaziest dive I've ever seen. 157 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,588 You're an immature, irresponsible, 158 00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:45,323 childlike simpleton. 159 00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:47,158 Hear, hear! 160 00:08:51,497 --> 00:08:53,330 I don't think you want to drink to that. 161 00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:56,034 Oh, no, it's okay. 162 00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:58,403 You don't know my brother, Tom. 163 00:08:58,472 --> 00:09:00,771 He's a pompous ass. 164 00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,744 Hey, Tom, I'm telling you. 165 00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:07,189 This place might have seen better days, 166 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,691 but I think Jim could make a go of it here. 167 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,155 Yeah, why don't you give him a chance 168 00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,449 before you say he's a failure? 169 00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:12,617 Yeah. 170 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,151 Yeah, why don't you give me a chance? 171 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,686 I've only had it one day. 172 00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:17,421 What could I have done in one day? 173 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,891 Hello, Mr. Ignatowski. 174 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,661 I'm Tracy Donovan with the New York state liquor authority. 175 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:25,530 I've been observing here for a couple of hours, 176 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:29,901 and, in that time, I've seen three violations. 177 00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,569 Now I'm gonna file a report, 178 00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:33,505 and I have to warn you 179 00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,173 that if you have one more violation, 180 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,542 we'll close this place down. 181 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:49,153 Big shot. 182 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:52,390 Well, Jim, I guess there's a lot you can do in one day. 183 00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:54,058 I've got to be more careful. 184 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,427 I'm more responsible than you think. 185 00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:57,907 Come on, Jim, you wouldn't last a week. 186 00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,030 Oh, yeah? 187 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:02,266 You come back here one week from today 188 00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:05,236 and you'll see this place crowded and successful 189 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:08,072 and I'm gonna be the one who's responsible for it. 190 00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,174 All right. 191 00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:11,943 All right, I'll give you one week. 192 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,379 Bye, Tom. 193 00:10:20,319 --> 00:10:24,321 He's been doing this to me ever since we were kids. 194 00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:26,791 I sent away for a book 195 00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:29,193 on ventriloquism and he says, 196 00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:32,697 "you'll never learn how to do that." 197 00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:35,100 I said I was going out for the little league, 198 00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:39,136 and he said, "you're wasting your time." 199 00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:43,574 I said I wanted to drive my bicycle off the roof. 200 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,643 No. 201 00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:48,246 That time, he encouraged me. 202 00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:51,282 We're here to help you out. 203 00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,718 Come here. Come on, we got things to talk about. 204 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,093 Hey, Jim. What are you doing here? 205 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,962 Just taking my dinner break. 206 00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:05,563 Why don't you eat in your restaurant? 207 00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,165 I hate to eat alone. 208 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,467 Aw. Is business still bad? 209 00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,969 Ah, it's picking up a little. 210 00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:15,073 Today, some guy came in to use the telephone. 211 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:19,343 He didn't have any ID, so I kicked him out. 212 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,145 Well, better safe than sorry. 213 00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:24,015 Here, why don't you guys join me? 214 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:27,485 I can't eat this whole thing myself. 215 00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:30,788 Jim, how come you can't eat that one piece by yourself? 216 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,122 Because it's awful. 217 00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,425 I'm doing all the cooking now. 218 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:35,904 - What happened to the chef? - Yeah? 219 00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:38,763 I had to let him go... he took drugs. 220 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,464 Drugs? Are you sure? 221 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,534 You know how when a man makes a pizza, he does this? 222 00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:44,702 Yeah. 223 00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:46,971 And he does this? Yeah. Yeah. 224 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,240 And then he does this? Yeah, so? Yeah. 225 00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:52,243 Well, I caught him doing that with the soup. 226 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,448 My brother's right... I'm a flop, 227 00:11:57,517 --> 00:12:01,352 a failure, a zero. 228 00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:03,521 Jim, there are worms on that pizza. 229 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:04,789 Oh, it's all right. 230 00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,891 It's our fisherman's special. 231 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,965 That's really Chinese noodles. 232 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:17,034 I painted the little eyes on. 233 00:12:17,103 --> 00:12:19,237 It was either that or go crazy. 234 00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:22,140 Hey, Jim, Jim, I think we can help you out. 235 00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:25,009 Great, 'cause I got another big can of noodles 236 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,911 and a couple extra brushes. No, no, no, no. 237 00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,414 I think between the three of us 238 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,049 we can suggest, uh, things 239 00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:32,684 to help you improve your business. Yeah. 240 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,285 Alex, I've tried everything: 241 00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:38,289 Ads, drinks at half price. 242 00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:43,094 Well, why don't you try a wet t-shirt contest? 243 00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:44,595 I had one. 244 00:12:44,663 --> 00:12:48,066 The only contestant was a 400-pound ex-marine 245 00:12:48,134 --> 00:12:49,901 with a hairy chest. 246 00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,703 Interesting effect, 247 00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,971 but not enough to hold a supper crowd. 248 00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:59,377 I'm lucky my brother wasn't there that night. 249 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:03,614 I'd rather he see an empty bar 250 00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:07,051 than people pelting me with dinner rolls. 251 00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,519 When's your brother coming? 252 00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:10,221 Tonight. 253 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:13,591 And when he does, he's gonna see 254 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,760 one person in the bar: 255 00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:18,596 His dumb failure of a brother. 256 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:19,931 Oh, no. 257 00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,410 Man, there's got to be something we can do to help Jim. 258 00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,567 Come on. Yeah. 259 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:23,875 Well, what's the big fuss here? 260 00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:25,081 Oh, Jim's gonna be humiliated 261 00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:26,471 in front of his brother. 262 00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,439 So what? His brother's never 263 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,353 gonna trust him with large amounts of money anymore. 264 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,110 And rightly so. 265 00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:34,078 I mean, he's a goofball. 266 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,882 Well, every cloud has a silver lining. 267 00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,450 At least you won't be able 268 00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:41,452 to sponge off him anymore, Louie. 269 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,090 Mm. 270 00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:49,193 Hey, all right. 271 00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,928 All right, listen up, everybody. 272 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,530 Listen up, all you cabbies. 273 00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:57,168 Your mission tonight is to pack Mario's. 274 00:13:57,237 --> 00:14:00,971 Now, I want everybody to radio me 275 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,407 as soon as you get a fare. 276 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:03,607 I don't care who it is. 277 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,176 I don't care where they want to go. 278 00:14:05,244 --> 00:14:07,345 They're gonna end up in Mario's. 279 00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:08,946 You leave it to me. 280 00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:11,516 All right, come on. Nardo. 281 00:14:11,585 --> 00:14:13,117 Come on, 218... 282 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,153 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. 283 00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:21,425 Boy, I sure wish my brother would show up 284 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:25,863 and ridicule me so I can go home. 285 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:32,170 Louie, I've got some out-of-towners here 286 00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:34,271 who are interested in seeing some celebrities, 287 00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:35,874 and they want to go to sardi's. 288 00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:38,108 Well, drop 'em off quick, nardo, 289 00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:39,843 because I need two cabs 290 00:14:39,912 --> 00:14:42,079 to pick up Brando and Olivier at Mario's. 291 00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:44,315 I can't put 'em in the same cab. 292 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,582 You know how those guys are. 293 00:14:45,651 --> 00:14:47,585 Hey, Mario's. 294 00:14:47,653 --> 00:14:48,820 Mario's? Mario's. 295 00:14:50,957 --> 00:14:52,890 Louie, this is Alex. 296 00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,858 I'm at Saint Patrick's cathedral, 297 00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:57,027 and I've got a couple of, uh, nuns 298 00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:58,963 who want to go to the movies. 299 00:14:59,031 --> 00:15:03,367 Ah, everything on the screen these days is filth. 300 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,869 Might I suggest a pleasant evening 301 00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:08,339 of wholesome food at Mario's? 302 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:12,944 If you like, I'll call ahead and reserve the monsignor's table. 303 00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:16,814 Oh, what a nice man. 304 00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:19,082 Pray for him. 305 00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:33,197 Well, Jim, you had your week. 306 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,832 Looks like you failed. 307 00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:36,433 Do you have any excuses? 308 00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:38,469 Nope. 309 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:41,339 Why don't you sit over there and have a beer 310 00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:43,507 while you gloat? 311 00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,609 Sure. 312 00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:47,578 Tommy, a beer for my brother. 313 00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,847 Right away, boss. 314 00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:51,916 Ah. 315 00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:54,352 Here you go, Jim, some customers. 316 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,188 Ah, welcome to Mario's. 317 00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:00,057 Do you have a reservation? 318 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,426 Uh, no, Jim. 319 00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:02,593 They're friends of mine. 320 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:05,362 Listen, uh... 321 00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,276 All of the cabbies are bringing people here tonight, 322 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,866 and, uh, some of them are coming 323 00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:10,501 under sort of false pretenses, 324 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,537 so, uh, play along with them, okay? 325 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,539 Okeydoke. 326 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,045 Here you go, sit right over here. 327 00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:23,914 Got a table all ready for you. 328 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,321 We're here to see some celebrities. 329 00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,723 Oh, say, look here. 330 00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:35,026 Sally field and Mary Martin. 331 00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:40,398 Hey, Jim! 332 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:41,699 Hey, come on in, guys. 333 00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:43,813 Hey, Jim, these guys came all the way from dubuque, Iowa, 334 00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:44,935 to see some belly dancing. 335 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,570 Have a good time, gents. See you, Jimmy. 336 00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:49,140 Well, happy customers are the best advertisement. 337 00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:50,607 No, no, no, no... 338 00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:54,645 All right. 339 00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,480 Hey, uh, we were told 340 00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,249 this place had a piano bar. 341 00:16:58,317 --> 00:16:59,837 Oh, it certainly does, and there it is. 342 00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:01,819 All right! Have a seat. 343 00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:03,821 Thank you. 344 00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:07,291 Huh, well, 345 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,393 those two were easy to take care of. 346 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,672 Uh, Jim, I think they're expecting 347 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,063 to see somebody play that piano. 348 00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:14,598 You think so? 349 00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:16,333 I'm almost sure of it. 350 00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:18,068 Well, you play piano, don't you? 351 00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:20,037 Yeah, I do, but I'm not... 352 00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:21,605 Well, help me out, Alex, please. 353 00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:24,108 No, I can't play in front of people. I can't. 354 00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,343 Just-just tonight. All right. 355 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:26,622 All right, all right, all right. 356 00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,524 I'll just play quietly, a little background music, 357 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:31,148 but, uh, I mean, I don't want to draw any attention to myself. 358 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,016 I'm very shy in front of people, all right? 359 00:17:33,085 --> 00:17:34,318 Okeydoke. 360 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:44,394 Ladies and gentlemen... Jim! 361 00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:46,196 No, no. Jim, no, no. 362 00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:49,200 Jim's Mario's is proud to present 363 00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:53,171 for your musical entertainment, 364 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,940 America's premier balladeer... Jim, please. 365 00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,374 The one and only Alex reiger. 366 00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:58,976 Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim! All right! 367 00:17:59,044 --> 00:18:00,178 Yay! 368 00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,046 I told you, I'm not... 369 00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,458 Jim, there is no way you're gonna get me to sing 370 00:18:03,482 --> 00:18:05,082 in front of these people. 371 00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:07,418 Closing time, folks! 372 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:08,853 No! 373 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,688 Okay, that's all for tonight, folks. 374 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,022 Good night. 375 00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:14,658 That's right. 376 00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:15,826 Time to go home. 377 00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,162 No, no, no, no. 378 00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:19,429 We do have laws. 379 00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:22,066 You can stay, and I can serve you another drink, 380 00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:24,001 and they'll close me down. 381 00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:26,204 Sorry. 382 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:28,205 Bye. 383 00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:32,109 I'm gonna tell all of my friends about this place. 384 00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:34,111 You really know how to make people feel welcome. 385 00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,279 Okay. 386 00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,415 Should be open seven nights a week. 387 00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:38,716 I'm working on it. 388 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,718 Ah, boy. 389 00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:43,221 Thanks, you guys. 390 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,989 Tonight was a dream come true. 391 00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:47,892 And I owe it all to you. 392 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,193 Oh, it was our pleasure. 393 00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:50,428 You ain't kidding. 394 00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:51,662 Good night, Jim. 395 00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,063 Good night. Oh, thanks, Tony. 396 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,231 All right. Come on. 397 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,666 Oh, Jim, Jim. 398 00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:56,900 What a night. 399 00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,836 What a night! Ah! 400 00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:01,938 Hey, Jim, did you ever think 401 00:19:02,007 --> 00:19:04,441 of adding a couple of drums and a bass player? 402 00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:05,876 I love it. I love it. 403 00:19:05,944 --> 00:19:07,544 I knew you would. I'm so glad. 404 00:19:07,613 --> 00:19:09,514 Good night. Good night, Alex. 405 00:19:15,221 --> 00:19:16,721 Jim? 406 00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,155 Huh? 407 00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:22,260 I'm glad you proved me wrong. 408 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:24,895 I'd like to shake your hand. 409 00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:30,701 Tom, I'm glad I proved you wrong, too. 410 00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:33,237 I want to give you a big hug. 411 00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:34,605 All right. 412 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,740 All right, brother. 413 00:19:38,377 --> 00:19:40,110 Listen, I'm gonna... I'm gonna get my coat, 414 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,547 and then I'll-I'll drive you home, okay? 415 00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:43,781 Okay. 416 00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:58,963 Hey, you... you're the owner here, aren't you? 417 00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,898 That's right. 418 00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:04,935 I want you to know that I had 419 00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:08,539 a very, very good time tonight. 420 00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:10,140 Thanks. I'm glad you did. 421 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,575 I'm glad you did. 422 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,844 And say, I was... I was wondering, uh, 423 00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:18,415 if you could sell me a bottle of Brandy to take home? 424 00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,217 Ah, sorry. 425 00:20:20,286 --> 00:20:23,354 It's against the law. 426 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,755 Well, that's true, but, 427 00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:27,391 see, I just got off the phone with my mother, 428 00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:31,628 and she's got arthritis, and it's really bothering her, 429 00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:35,065 and I know the Brandy would help. 430 00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:36,667 I'm sorry. 431 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,670 The liquor authority told me 432 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:42,739 that if I had one more violation, 433 00:20:42,808 --> 00:20:44,808 they'd close me down. 434 00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,510 Please?! 435 00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:49,347 Look, there's nobody here but you and me. 436 00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:52,249 You'd only be bending the law just a little bit, 437 00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:55,119 and you'd really be helping my mother out. 438 00:21:02,729 --> 00:21:04,661 All right. 439 00:21:20,546 --> 00:21:22,646 Here you go. 440 00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:26,784 Mr. Ignatowski, i'm an undercover agent 441 00:21:26,853 --> 00:21:29,519 with the New York liquor authority. 442 00:21:29,588 --> 00:21:32,156 This is your fourth violation in one week. 443 00:21:32,225 --> 00:21:35,158 I'm afraid we're gonna have to close you down. 444 00:21:35,227 --> 00:21:37,461 Ah, no, Jim. 445 00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:39,730 Jim, you're hopeless. 446 00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,366 I thought for once in your life you'd finally manage 447 00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:44,768 to not screw things up. 448 00:21:44,837 --> 00:21:46,170 I wanted to believe in you, 449 00:21:46,238 --> 00:21:48,272 but this just proves that you're a failure, 450 00:21:48,341 --> 00:21:49,673 and you're gonna stay 451 00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:51,375 a failure your entire life. 452 00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:57,280 Can I say one word in my defense? 453 00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:05,222 Seltzer. 454 00:22:12,231 --> 00:22:14,698 Now get out of here. 455 00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:18,235 And you tell the guys 456 00:22:18,304 --> 00:22:20,671 down at the liquor authority 457 00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:23,306 that I'm a man to be reckoned with! 458 00:22:25,945 --> 00:22:28,879 Oh. 459 00:22:28,947 --> 00:22:34,084 How many times can I apologize to you in one day? 460 00:22:34,152 --> 00:22:36,053 I never get tired of hearing it. 461 00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:39,589 Let's go home. Come on. 462 00:22:39,658 --> 00:22:41,825 All right. 463 00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:49,399 Here, uh, 464 00:22:49,468 --> 00:22:51,902 straighten your tie. 465 00:22:53,339 --> 00:22:54,437 Come on. 466 00:22:54,506 --> 00:22:56,440 Okay. 467 00:23:34,146 --> 00:23:35,612 Good night, Mr. Walters!